It’s not them, it’s you.


My sister said something characteristically wise to me last week. We were talking about the film While We’re Young, which we had both just seen and she said, “I liked how their relationship was not the cause of or the solution to their problems.” She was so right. In a sea of movies and television shows that focus on quarter or mid-life crises, it’s incredibly rare to see a person begin and end the story happily in love. It was refreshing and a good reminder to me.

In my own life, the second I start feeling unhappy I put a microscope to my relationships. I blame myself for not putting enough energy or effort into maintaining them. I blame my friends/family/partner for the way they have (or haven’t) treated me. Rarely do I ever survey the landscape of my relationships and feel satisfied. Rarely do I accept that perhaps it isn’t about them, it’s about me. 

There will always be times in life when you feel anxious or unsettled. When you second guess your choices. When the existential questions you used to shrug off start weighing on you. Am I happy? Am I doing what I want to do? Is this all there is? It’s easy to look to others for these answers, much harder to look inward. But in my limited experience losing my shit and getting it back together again, the only way you’ll ever find the real source of your discomfort, stress or anxiety is to take responsibility for yourself. For your own happiness. And give your loved ones a break.

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